What is the number one cause of death in horror films? Could it be Demons? Ghosts? Or maybe Serial Killers?
None of them. The characters in most horror movies all keep on dying when they invariably insist on acting like idiots and refuse to follow these ten simple rules:
1. Never buy a house with an adjoining cemetery — no matter how cheap it is.
2. If you are in a large group, DO NOT split up into pairs when you’re exploring an abandoned mansion/amusement park/school/shopping centre.
3. No matter how dirty you feel, never take a shower. Just spray on some Lynx Java.
4. NEVER hide in the closet: it’s the first place the killers will look. Plus, who wants to die surrounded by a bunch of dress shirts and corduroy slacks?
5. Also, don’t go into the basement. Nothing good ever happens in the basement.
6. Don’t be a sceptic. You’ll only end up looking stupid when the devil finally turns up to kill you.
7. Make sure you’re not the smart-ass in your group. Your demise will be the most gruesome and irony-laden of them all.
8. Ladies: when backed into a corner, why do you always insist on picking up a chef’s knife?
There’s a reason why God gave us stun guns and bear mace.
9. If you think the killer’s dead, don’t hesitate and DO NOT check his pulse. Finish him off with a heavy rock or an air-con unit.
10. Most of all… NEVER EVER OPEN A MIRRORED CABINET AND THEN CLOSE IT MOMENTS LATER!
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